我愛你，最重要。

「我決定要跟你分手了！原先我以為我是被夾在幸福和痛苦之間，後來發現我是被排在幸福和痛苦之外，雖然追求的本身就是一種收穫，付出的意義就是一項取得。我寧可斷不可亂，也不要剪不斷理還亂，我要跟你一刀兩斷！」

──節錄自《那一夜，我們說相聲》

 

七月二日。

今天國修老師走了。

FB上感傷一片，她偶然看到小摩PO的這段文字。

七月十五日。

“妳把頭髮剪了！！”

巨蟹理專小姐看到她時驚訝地瞪大了眼。

“對啊！特別來讓妳看一下。”她撥撥耳朵上方清爽俏麗的短髮，帶著炫耀的瀟灑。

哪知理專小姐接著一句卻令她錯愕。

”好了！這樣就好了，不能再短了，男生不喜歡短頭髮。”

啊？所以呢？男生不喜歡短髮，所以呢？

“哦！沒差，我喜歡就好。” 耳邊響起昨天剪髮時孫小毛的話，但基於對象不是男人，她婉轉地還是先換了句話說。小毛的原版本是：我沒嫌你禿頭就不錯了。

沉浸在"不負如來不負卿" 的故事裡，上網搜尋著跟鳩摩羅什相關的文章，歷史典故等等，還很認真查了自己之前每天聽的心經，到底是玄奘的翻譯，還是羅什的翻譯。

嘆！又中毒了。

看到了HITA唱的這首歌，還有網友剪接的MV，聽著歌，看著MV，跟著鼻酸了。轉給了幾個朋友，卻因為沒看過書，跟不上整個劇情的轉折，無法體會我對故事的糾結。MV裡的場景、服裝、劇情跟書裡還是不合，至少劇情走向、配音、旁白都有模有樣，只是.....真是西域的場景應該更蒼涼淒清、天寬地闊吧!

鍵盤打出"一夢如是"時，卻發現搜尋欄位裡的字赫然是自己的名字，於是同音借意，換了部落格的標題。

是啊！都是夢，這些故事，都是夢裡來的故事。

一梦如是 　　——记鸠摩罗什 　　作词：择荇 　　原曲：朱子岩《那一世》 　　演唱：HITA 　　后期：英雄

　　岩层下，细腻的壁画，

倉央嘉措的文字。

那年，從西藏帶回了一本西藏傳奇故事，故事沒有提到倉央嘉措，翻開書頁的第一面，印著:

那一刻　我昇起風馬　不為乞福　只為守候你的到來
那一日　疊起瑪尼堆　不為修德　只為投下心湖的石子
那一月　我搖動所有的經筒　不為超度　只為觸摸你的指尖
那一年　磕長頭在山路　不為覲見　只為貼著你的溫暖
這一世轉山　不為輪迴　只為途中與你相見

記得以前在「西遊記藏」寫過，那時的感動只能用"怦然"來形容，那不該說是感動，"怦然"是觸動，觸動心弦，餘韻迴盪。

從西藏回來又過了兩年，搭配著電影情節，倉央嘉措的詩句紅了。

看到了越來越多詩句，越來越多的故事搭著詩句出現，無一不讓人揪心。

那是另一面,另一個生活圈.
也可能只是一個PARTY!

"下午要練習嗎?"
"你不是沒時間?"
"有啊!可是要早一點,我們DEPARTMENT有固定的聚會"
"幾點?"
"兩點半好不好?"
"好啊!" 從來,對於這種差半個小時的時間,我不會有什麼不好.
"那練習結束之後,你要不要一起來我們DEPARTMENT的活動?"

I was sososo surprised when Heather told me that she bought a cake for me.
"What for?"
"For your graduation!!"
我瞪大了眼,感動莫名,我們不是常常見面的朋友,她卻總是很貼心.
幾天前,我跟胡婷在樓梯口聊了幾句,鵬輝大力相助辦了一個POTLUCK!!
幾個朋友都來了,除了有事跑到科羅拉多去的凡奇跟鈺莉.Stephen也來了.
原本只是開開玩笑的說,就當是我的畢業party.
Heather was so sweet!! She brought a cake to me!!
Potluck 我們遲到了,到的時候大家也都吃半飽了,我很興奮的跟大家說了Heather的禮物.
跟這群人在一起最輕鬆了,大家有話直說,不拐彎不抹腳,不耍心機. 鵬輝跟羅毅是我最先認識的,陸怡跟翁偉俊是最照顧我的後媽後爸,胡婷是氣味相投的開朗直爽大姊,程瑛總是安安靜靜的觀察,方蕾才剛認識卻也很投緣.這群人裡,我年紀最小,大家也就自然而然把我當小妹照顧.

I can't really tell what makes Stephen become a little different after I came back from New York. Feel a little different but still.
無庸置疑,我在乎他的感受.雖然我能然是做著自己的事情,他偶爾還是會冒出來.

上星期三,因為他的失約,我選擇留在家裡休息,沒有去Brazil跳舞.I told him that I was too tired to go. Anyway, we both know the reason that I am not going even though I didn't tell.

Last Friday, I invited Martina to my place for some coffee. We talked about my dance with Stephen, some interaction with him, and also the reason that I didn't go to Brazil on Wednesday. I sort of asking Martina whether she cares if Stephen and I went out. Her reponse was totally fine even it seemed not fine at all. She cares about him otherwise she would had let go.

Came back from NY on Tuesday, Hsin-I, Nitin, Stephen and I had dinner together on Wednesday. Well, something different in his mind. I know but what's that? Wednesday night, as usual, Brazil. Honestly, I was so happy that Hsin-I could make it. Talked with God Mother, I decided not to tell Martina anything about Stephen anymore. Things should only between us, me and Stephen.

Thursday, I was so tired after the long trip in New York. After Hsin-I's taking off. Slept until 3pm. still wondering whether I should go to the salsa class. My body moved automatically dressed up, walked out, and went to the class. The class was only fine to me 'cos I didn't feel the connection. It has been a while since I came back from NY. What's wrong?! Somehow, I know it's natural. We both are still "looking"

"我在Center City 跟朋友吃飯." 他說. 在我下了課打電話給他的時候.
WHAT!!我不爽的情緒開始冒了上來.

"So...you're not going to Brazil tonight?"
"I wanna go...but I will have presentation tonight. It's gonna be too late after my presentation."
"I won't go to the first class tonight so I will go on 9:30. Will you be finished the class?"
"Mmm...9:30, I think so."
"We can go from 9:30."
"Sure!"
"Call me after your class, I will wait for you."

前一個星期五,跑到La Luna去跳舞,他拿著餐巾紙,開玩笑得幫我擦手汗,接著拿著紙巾幫我擦汗,沿著臉.
我接過紙巾,幫自己又拭了幾下,他說自己很會流汗,我拿著紙巾也在他額頭上擦了幾下.

那時候,我跳得累了,不喜歡對方貼著我的身體廝磨.走離開舞池,向他伸出手,他自然而然的拉過我的手,牽著,兩個人站在一起,一會才放開.
喜歡一些小細節,開瓶蓋的小細節,我講電話很溫柔他的調侃.

為了跟Martina去聽一場音樂會,跑到downtwon去跟Phyllis拿PENN card.
晚餐時分接到Stephen的電話,問我要不要一起去Nitin家吃晚餐.因為事先約好的音樂會,很遺憾只能回絕了.
整場音樂會,都想著他.跟martina卻沒辦法說,前任男女朋友的關係加上一個好朋友.

The streets look so dangerous!!
開著車, 轉著轉著路漸漸暗了, 週遭的黑人越來越多, 跟著地圖尋找著今天晚上的目的地.
Stephen is so crazy about Salsa.
他把訊尋轉給大家, 採自動報名制. 每次有SALSA的活動,他總是特別熱衷, 傳訊息EMAIL, setting up the schedule, and
driving us around.

還沒說說Stephen 這個人呢! 我總想回去把空白的日記補上, 記下那些溫馨的小細節, 好感覺總是想留下一些些印記.
先說昨晚吧!

Stephen, Nitin, Martina and me. Martina is a close friend of mine and is the ex-gf of Stephen.